DARK. VIRTUOSITY. INTEGRITY.

2024 RETIREMENT/2024 END OF RETIREMENT 

My musical memories of 2024 aren't that vivid because I was so wrapped up in my job and my radio broadcasting hobby.  I  created two streaming radio stations and experimented with various low powered AM and FM transmitters.  Everyday after work I was making antennas and seeing how far I could transmit without breaking the law.  I became a "Part 15" FCC compliant broadcaster and just forgot about my own music for awhile.  This was the first time I felt like "maybe I'm done with making music" because I found something I really enjoyed- as futile and solitary as it was/is. 

Before my radio obsession took over, I had booked shows that I had to fulfill in addition to a new solo album out "Transmission to Purgatory" (the title obviously reflecting my hobby).  I rehearsed and got my chops back in shape while simultaneously considering selling my gear off for a slick broadcasting set up.  

I played a gig for maybe ten interested people (otherwise I was background noise for drunks).  I remember actually losing interest while I was playing, just wanting it to end, but looking into the audience at the few who were listening gave me enough inspiration to get through.  I was fat, old and felt silly milking the last remnants out of some kind of persona who peaked two decades earlier.  I got home and announced my retirement. 

My neck of the woods in Wyoming caught fire and it raged the mountains for weeks. The skies started looking apocalyptic, like a scene out of the horrifying 1984 nuclear war film "Threads".  This reignited inspiration to do a Waxen album called "High Plains Bloodlust".  Immediately on completing and handing it to Moribund Records, I felt the need for Speed! I wanted to do a full on Speed Metal album that absolutely adhered to the mid eighties sound.  I tried to compose within that fine line between Traditional Heavy Metal and Thrash Metal.  The final result was the reactivation of my 'Where Evil Follows' project and subsequent release of "Ruination Revelation" through Stormspell Records. 

The new partnership with Stormspell Records also resulted in the proper release of Onward’s shabby demo "The Neverending Sun".

Audio restoration genius, Wayne Dwyer, took the actual demo cd from 2003 and broke it down, built it back up and remastered it into a phenomenal sounding recording.  I think it's the best Onward album now, although a bit too melancholy for me to revisit.  Soon, I was absolutely BACK in the business of Heavy Metal with three albums coming out simultaneously and a split vinyl 12" with guitar great, Thomas Amorellio,  on the way courtesy of H42 Records Germany.  2025 looked very promising with gigs and activities on the horizon.  This came to an abrupt halt as my world collapsed. My dad, my sister, my "soul dog" Saint Bernard.  Systematically removed from my life in a 12 month window. 

I understand loss is inevitable. I understand the law of entropy-but the quick succession fucked me up.  There's no timeline for healing. I had these tracks to lay guitar on (for a collaboration before the tragedy).  I picked my guitar up, strummed a chord and put it down preferring to sit and gaze blankly at streaming 70's TV shows.  Grief is worse when people are waiting for you to get over it. My cellphone getting pinged "record anything yet man, another month wasted".

No, I just watched one of my last tethers to reality die.  Fuck your timeline. 

Furthermore, if we're being spiritual, what's the lesson? Is this God's way of drawing me closer? 

I'd been studying Block Universe Theory for a few years (which I do believe).  Past, present, future running simultaneously and preordained in a cosmic script. Finally, Anti Cosmic Gnosticism made perfect sense.  This is cold liberation and the key back to functioning because now you identify the jailer, the prison and the game. 

You can fight back.

Toby